Medical Student Jokes , Humor and Cartoons
By Live Dr - Mon Jul 04, 3:25 pm
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Cut your head off.
Prisoner: Look here, doc! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Tom: What’s good for excessive wind, doctor? Doctor: A kite!
Bill: My wife beats me, doctor’ Doctor: Oh dear. How often? Bill: Every time we play Scrabble!
Sam: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Never mind, you’ll pass eventually. Sam: But I’m the examiner!
Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
Patient: Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better? Doctor: I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet…
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. “Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?” “I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor. “That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”
Death: What some patients do, in the end, to humiliate the doctor.
Worst thing a doctor could say to his patient: “Your condition is so rare, we’re not sure we’re pronouncing it right.”
Bombeck’s Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, “Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.” “Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”
The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.” “That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”
A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor. Man: Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem. I just can’t (FFFART!!) stop farting. Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach down, on the couch. The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute – the man farting all the time this is going on. Doctor: Aha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment. The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike at one end. Man: (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with (FFFARTT!!) that?! Doctor: I need to open a window.
Chico once went to the doctor due to stomach trouble. The doctor prescribed plenty of milk and gave Chico a bottle of pills. “I’ll stop by this evening and see how you’re doing,” the doctor said. “In the meantime, drink at least four glasses of milk. Milk is the ticket for curing your trouble. So drink plenty of it.” That evening, the doctor returned, examined Chico and told him, “You’re much better this evening. Just be sure you don’t drink any milk. Not one glass. It’s not for you.” “But, doctor,” Chico exclaimed, “only this morning you told me that milk was what I needed and that I should drink four glasses of it.” “Well, what do you know?” the doctor replied. “It certainly goes to show that we’ve made tremendous progress in medicine since the last time I saw you.”
“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg. “Well, doc, 25 years ago…” “Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.” “Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. ‘Are you sure?’ she asked. ‘I’m sure,’ I said. ‘Isn’t there anything I can do for you?’ she wanted to know. ‘I reckon not’ I replied. “Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this story have to do with your leg?” “Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”
A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, “Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he’s gagging and thrashing about.” “I’ll be right over,” the doctor said. “In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.” When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of fish over her husband’s mouth. “Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not fish, to lure the mouse.” “I know, doc,” she replied, “but first I’ve got to get the darn cat out of him.”
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?” “I think that is a wise decision,” the doctor replies. “Let’s see, do you smoke?” “Oh.. Half a pack a day.” “Starting NOW, no more smoking.” The man agrees. The doctor then asks, “Do you drink?” “Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.” “Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.” The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, “How do you eat?” “Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.” “Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.” The man is now really worried. “Doc, is all this really necessary?” “Do you want to live long?” “Yes.” “Well then, it’s absolutely necessary. And don’t even think of breaking the diet.” The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, “Do you have sex?” “Yeah, once a week or so…, only with my wife!” he adds hurriedly. “As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.” The man is appalled. “Doc… Are you sure I’m going to live longer this way?” “I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!”
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. “Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,” she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. “I can’t,” says the woman. “That’s the only night I’m home with my husband.”
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: “What are you doing here today?” Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it.” Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.” The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?” Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” the doctor asked. “Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s relief. But then he added, “I’ve had some strange side effects.” “What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously. “Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on.”
“Doctor, don’t cut so deep. That’s the third operating table you’ve ruined this month!”
An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.
Heard on Jay Leno’s monologue: The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
One day, John’s tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor’s office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he’d have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor. “So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?” the doctor said. “The nurse must have told you,” said John, wondering how the Doctor knew. “No. It was in your urinalysis.” and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn’t believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit. Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said, “I’ve got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife’s got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don’t stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!”
An elderly couple decide to have a baby, so they go to the doctor to get a physical examination of the wife. The wife is delared in perfect health, but the doctor says that he also would need to check the husband’s semen in order to accurately advise the couple. The husband is a bit taken aback, and says, “Listen, I’m getting old. I can only “do that” about once a week.” The doctor answers that he understands perfectly and gives the couple a vial, telling the husband to come back next week with a semen sample. The next week, the husband comes in with an empty vial. The perplexed doctor asks the husband what went wrong. The husband answers, “Well…I tried it with my right hand and I tried it with my left hand, I tried hot water, I tried cold water, I tried soap, my wife tried it with her hand, my wife even tried it with her mouth, I even tried banging it against the sink…but we still couldn’t get the top off the damn bottle!”
The resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking him what brought him to the hospital. The man replied, “An ambulance.”
It is said that the limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs: Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction(****ing)
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
There was a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. “Doc,” he said, “I can’t taste nothin’, I can’t tell the truth, and I can’t remember nothin’ besides.” Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back, and made of two capsules full with cowdung, and gave them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well. Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chewing, then yelled out, “Yeachhhh… This stuff tastes like shit.” “Uh huh,” the doctor said, “Well I see that you can taste, and you’re certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you’re memory is acting up, just take the other pill.” And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.
There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: General Practitioners know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it’s usually too late.
After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! “Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?” yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position. “Don’t you want to get pregnant?” asked the doctor. “Well, yes, I do,” answered the woman. “Then lie back and spread ’em,” replied the doctor. “We’re all out of the bottled stuff. You’ll just have to settle for what’s on tap.”
This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he’d have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, “I’ve just got to marry this woman, I love her so much…” So the doctor says, “Well, it’s risky, but okay.” So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure. Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, “We are very sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%.” The guy looks up and says, “Mama Mia!”
A man goes to see his doctor. He pokes himself in the arm, leg, and torso, complaining that it hurts when he does this. The doctor asked him if he was Polish. The man replied that he was. To which the doctor replied that the finger was broken.
A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all then of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.” “I haven’t got the fingers.” The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We’ve go microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn’t you bring me the fingers?” “Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn’t pick ’em up.”
This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it. “Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts.” “Not really, I hardly felt it.” “Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!” “Nope, I didn’t really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain.”
There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news. “Ohhhh no!!!” the patient wailed, “I’ll never be able to experience an erection again!” “Of course you’ll still be able to experience erections,” replied one surgeon, “only it will have to be someone else’s.”
This guy goes into a doctors and says, “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having sex!” “Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks. “Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day,” he answers back. “That’s not so much,” says the doctor. “Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man. “Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor. “Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day,” says the man. “Well, that’s definitely too much,” says the doctor. “You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.” “I do,” says the man. “Twice a day.”
What is the proper medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit? A Hare Cut.
There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, “Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?” The man replies, “Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods.” The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, “Well man, that’s your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you’ll have to give them up!!” The guy says, “But how long for, I mean I really like peas!” The doctor replies, “Forever, I’m afraid.” The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years later, he’s at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, “Well, ashully, I’d love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up.” Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, “Really, I haven’t had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!” The businessman says, “Thas nuvving, I haven’t ad a pea in 6 years” and the barman jumps up screaming, “Okay, everyone who can’t swim, grab a table…”
Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites Jim’s prick! “AAIIIIIII!!” He panics, and John panics. “What can we do?” “We should call for a doctor.” WHAMMM! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there’s a telephone box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor. RING, RING. RING, RING. J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do? D: What kind of snake? J: A one meter, green-yellow one.D: Those are very dangerous. J: What can we do? D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise, your friend will be dead within half an hour. Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking already, asks what the doctor said. Johnny: You’ll be dead within half an hour.
A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand like a basketball. “Here’s your baby, maam” says the doctor. The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight out of the 10th floor window. Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers, “My God!!! What have you done to my baby?!?!!!” The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says, “April Fools!!! He was already dead!”
A blond guy visits the hospital. “I want to be castrated!” he demands cheerfully. “Are you sure about this?” the doctor asks. “Have you discussed it with your wife?” “Yes, yes! I’ve thought about this for a long time. Let’s get it over with!” So, the operation is performed. Since it’s relatively simple, the blond guy only has to stay in the hospital for two days. On his way home, he meets a friend. “Well, hello! I haven’t seen you for a couple of days,” his friend says. “No, I’ve been to the hospital,” replies the blond. “Well, that’s funny. I’m on my way there right now!” “Really? So, what’s up?” “I’m going to be vaccinated.” “Oh, shit!! That’s what it’s called!”
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later.
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
How is an undertaker like a bottle of cough syrup? They both take away the coffin.
A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Let me guess, you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Washington State. Why do you ask?”